Work load is beginning to pile once again. In 2 weeks I will be having my finals for the semester. It is that soon. Have to begin picking up books again.
On Monday night, after turning and tossing in bed at 9pm trying to sleep, I finally picked up my phone to message my youth pastor, Pastor Julie, to just speak to her. After awhile, she agreed for me to go over to her place in Subang. Drove over and spoke to her for a bit about what was troubling me these past few weeks.
It is really just funny that when you ain't doing well with God, nothing else seem to work out right. Really. Everything just seem to crumble when you choose to turn from God. Somehow things will just work their way against you. From your emotions, to your friends, to your daily day-to-day chores. Everything will practically work against you. Yeap, as you have read, some of you might have noticed, I've been practically emo for the past.. err.. weekS?
Was just having a casual chat with Liang Zhi over this "emo" stuff. Its sickening isn't it? I mean, it drains you mentally, bringing you to the bottomless pit, traps you there, makes sure you stay there and then leaves you there. Its just so tiring to keep falling back and forth into these emotions and feelings. The negativity, the critical patterns, the self-beating process, the self-pity, the depressing moments, and the list goes on. It ain't fun at all. Seriously, it has become a growing trend among us youngsters to be emo. Each of us are beginning to take turns to be emo or as such. If one night say, A is alright, B will be emo and soon after, the latter will get better and A will turn emo. Pastor said its probably because we are professing it so much that it somehow affects everyone's thinking as well.
I believe so. And I see no benefit in getting emo, I really do, but trust me, it ain't that easy to get out of it either. I have been struggling myself to constantly stop my mind from thinking such things. A small matter may arise and totally pull me down the next moment. I truly thank God for some of you that see this matter as unfamiliar. Thats a really wonderful thing because you don't get yourself entangled in your own emotions. Its a privilege I would say. For me though, its a constant battl with my own thinking. Thats why Liang Zhi and I thought of coming up with this Anti-Emo thingi. I don't mean that we're never gonna get emo or anything, but its just that, whenever you're down or anything, you know that someone is gonna be there for yea. Its like a support group or so. I don't mean it as so formal or whatsoever but we ain't perfect, and so many times we fall short of our expectations and get disappointed so often that we are discouraged. I would have to be the witness of that.
So many times I fall. So many times I fail myself. So many times I fail my friends. So many times I fail God. So many times, so many times. And its not gonna stop there, I'm still gonna fail all through out my life. But does that mean that I have stop right there? Does it mean I should not try anymore and stay a loser? Many a times, when I'm all emo and cooked up by myself, I just give up trying. But readers, smile, because it doesn't stop there. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger! It is so cliche to hear that, again and again. But it only will mean something to you when you break out of it. Not break out of failure, but break out of the motion that you are a failure.
I'm just so sick of punishing myself when I fail someone or myself. I try and try time and time again. But forgive me art thou for failing once again. I beat myself up everytime I don't live up to a certain expectation that I have on myself. And it kills me time and time again. And worst still, I aim for perfection, and when I don't achieve it (which practically I WON'T), I punish myself by going through the whole motion that "I am useless..." and then stop there. I throw in the white towel totally and walk away, moving on to the other extreme. From striving for perfection to not even trying. My argument was that, if I'm not gonna achieve perfection, then why even try?
Its crazy the way I think so much sometimes too about what others think and feel and will do. So many times, I over think things? Get me there? I assume so much of what others would feel and think and do that I worry so much for absolutely no reason. I fear and worry and waste all my energy to come out with the best explaination or reason that I always mess up and make things worst. Its just crazy. Its time I take things slow, and not over think things. I don't mean going all the way to the other extreme and not caring at all either, but just take things at a time. Often times we just worry when things will get better, but things will just get better with time.
Time. Another essential part of our life. The one thing I've learned about life recently is that time has magic. Time just has a healing magic to its effect. Don't ask me how, but things just somehow work out in time though it only applies so SOME situations.
There are just so many things to change. There are just so many things in my life that I need to throw out. Pride, selfishness, hate, prejudice, misconceptions, fixed thoughts, over-thought, no thought, ignorance, stubbornness and the list goes on. It is gonna be a life long process of learning and over coming each of these. A constant day-to-day process and effort to overcome my weaknesses. There will be days when things just won't work my ways and there goes John again into the bottomless pit, but this time, things should be different, because John wants to find a way out now. We all need friends around us to pull us out when we fall, we all need people for support. And I want to be there for the people that have fallen trap to evil's plan. But let us be there for each other. This journey is not easy, and things will not lighten up anytime soon, but Hope is always beside us.
For this cause, I will continue living.. For this cause, I will fight the ups and downs of life. For Hope lies beyond the horizon. Lead me again on my baby steps of life towards the slow learning process of knowing myself over and over again.
Lord,
Help me understand my short comings, Help me accept them, and Help me overcome them. Time and time again I fail you, time and time again I fail them, time and time again I fail myself. But let not that be the end of the road for me, for I know there is a greater cause for You allowing each and every circumstance in my life to happen. I choose to see the greater cause and good in every circumstance. I understand that there will be ups and downs to this unpredictable life of ours, but I choose not to give up. Help me to move on from my mistakes and pain. Help me, because I am just helpless without You.
Amen.
As I lay my head tonight, I pray that I make amends with whoever or whatever I have come across as offensive and contradictory.
Looking forward to good days and overcoming bad days.
And before I end my long winded post tonight, I just want to say,
No To EMO! Woohoo! :P
Hopeful,
-jOhN "resting" LiM-
You ARE my friend, and you ALWAYS will be...
It was time for a nice drink and some music...
Woohoo!
