Here I am again.

Mum says I must always tell if I'm not happy.
Am I?

I guess I just hate not having control of the situation and plan. I envy the people that can just take things as they are and accept life as it comes. I tend to get left behind with Disappointment. When will I ever learn to move on. Even with this issue with You. Just the past week I seem to have did the best of the worst things that anyone could have thought of. I am clearly a specialist at destroying the 'moment'. Call me "potong-stim" or "party pooper" but I just tend to not play along with practical jokes and crap talk sometimes. Its a real pain in the ass sometimes when I give you that stare after a lame joke.

What is my point? I'm unsure myself. That is how confused I am right now. Hahaha.

Tonight I'm just gonna write whatever that runs into my mind. I'm always describing my confusion. I like showing my vulnerability. I like showing that I am a wreck. But at the same time, I like to potray a strong and independent John, ready to take charge, ready to face the challenges ahead of me. I think we all have our moments when we step up and uncover the fearless self inside. I'm not all weak either. Its just, I have such an unhealthy thinking pattern that it eats me inside out so often times. I constantly fall back into the pit of depression. It can somehow get rather frustrating watching me go back and forth and never breaking forth into the hills.

Earlier on I mentioned I envied people that appeared somehow relaxed and without worry. Yes, I do envy them, so much in fact. I can't stand the fact I can't live my life everyday just playing the PS2, sleeping all day long, and careless about their CGPA/results/academic performance. My results are constantly banging in my head, my decision for Uni applications is persistently bugging me, my relationship with You is relentlessly harassing me, my relationship with my friends is at an alarming level, worries about my identity and individuality is annoyingly pesky. I always have this thought that I don't really know my true self. Truly. Everyday I'm getting to myself a little better and the more I know myself, the more I hate myself. Weird isn't is? Hey, but man can never be contented. Neither am I. I'm always wanting more, wanting to get beter, wanting to be more mature, wanting to think different, wanting to develop at a faster rate, wanting unrealistic things and just wanting instantaneity.

(= This world is just getting more screwed up by the second, and I ain't making it better. I like to think I'm weird and boring. Which at a certain level, is true =P but who cares la.

Oh well. Crapped loads tonight already. Just another post about worries and my twisted self.

-jOhN ♪ LiM-