We've come so far.

Days have been treating me well. Thankfully. Silence is a treatment though. Isn't a very nice one but it sure does make messages loud and clear.

Not much updates, but just getting my thing on the music scene. Gonna check out a few gigs around KL for the rest of December and kill the pain.

Decisions need to be made soon. Hmmmm.. Thinking of turning my blog private till I get my blogging style right. Hahaha. I'm boring man. I went through some of my previous posts years back, and the way I wrote really changed. Not to say I was ever interesting, but I just need a break from revealing dark emo-ness or useless rants. I'm sure readers do get tired of it too. All they wanna read about are about joyous occasions, happy celebrations and glorious "filled with good looking people" pictures. Haha. Have you gone blog surfing before? Just reading each post by post? I try. But only selected ones.

Oh well. I need an identity. Even my blog needs an identity. My singing needs identity. My life needs identity. Mum says that her Social Psychology book says I'm facing a normal phase of life. A phase in adolescense where I search for an Identity. But in my search for my identity, I have lost it. Three points to ponder about.

Three reasons why people have Identity Crisis/Lost:
1. High expectations. Yes. On yourself that is.
2. Comparissons. You compare too much of yourself to others and the people around you. I am speaking to you and myself here. There will always be someone more and lesser than you are. Always. Healthy comparisson is fine, just not too much till the point you sit and sulk and say "Hey, I'm lousy, I'm not trying anymore, thank you." [sounds extremely familiar].
3. We try to look at our dreams in the future with our present eyes. It just doesn't work that way. When the future has plans for you, settle with that and try not to understand it with your present knowledge and capabilities. We are just about too much for ourselves sometimes. No need to understand it all.

No need to understand it all. That still rings in my head. So many times I count, calculate, plan and try to understand, just to know that I am just so inedequate.

Mum says I need to find my purpose, my goal, my identity in this world, this society, in church, in college, among my friends, among my peers, among the people I mix with and in my family. Its really true. Find value in morale, find values that I would stand on, find meaning among the many individuals of the world, find true meaning just among the every "other". I need to know that I am worth more than a stone in this world. I need to know that so very much.

Think about it again. Meaning. Identity. Value. Worth. As long as I settle those questions, I can move on in life. Really. The next phase apparently is intimacy. Relationship. As long as I don't settle my Identity, I will never have a lasting intimate relationship with anyone around me. Because of the insecurities and uncertainties. Thats no wonder, everytime I try to find someone to Love and find attachment with just doesn't work out. Because I skipped a step in life [=

No more running away, but facing the hard truth. Life is sure one sureal experience. Still today I'm not sure to marvel at the creation of man or stand disgusted at the sight of its actions. Hahaha. Yet another value to look at. I remember watching Stardust the other time. And one part of the movie that got me thinking was when the Star was talking to the Rat [remember?]. I really can't remember any details anymore but I'll try. The Star mentioned something like it was pure disgust everytime the stars looked down on earth to see man's actions and the violence of war, betrayal, lust, greed and all its sins, but the only thing that was worth seing with surpassed it all was Love. That got me thinking. Is Love really that strong? Can love really undo every sin? For God so Loved the world.

Think with me will you? Do I need Love? Or do I just need to get a life? Gosh, I'll be surprise to find if anyone actually read the whole post without skipping a paragraph or two.

-jOhN "holidaying" LiM-