Measure of a Man..

Ok, for you perverts out there, nope its not the measure of your manlihood. But what is the measure of a man? What is the measure when one turns into a Man. Times have changed and I have been really feeling certain pressures in my life. Yes, what so special? Everyone too has been feeling the same. But let's just put it this way that I'm not handling it too well. Of all years, it has to happen this year. Questions I have been asking myself, questions I have been asking God, questions I have been asked, questions I want to ask, answers I want to know.

I have been a lie, I have been a fake, I have been putting a mask, a mask of which no one has ever seen through. It hurts me to lie to everyone around me, to smile everyday knowing deep down a frown is rooted in my heart. How has this got to me you ask? SIN. Thats the only answer. Sin that is repeated over and over again. Sin that has been always creeping around the corners. Sin that has not been gotten rid of. Sometimes I ponder, is God really trying to help me at this stage I am. Probably He is gracious enough to allow me to choose my path at this point. He is allowing me to think back on all I have done, on all I have said and really make a choice, whether I am for Him or not. But you know what, I'm Not sure.

How is it possible for one as such as me to really be shaken? Yes, it is possible. I've said, I'm not what I appear to be. But we're barely scratching the surface. Butterflies are free to fly, but how'd I wished I'd be able to free myself and fly away now. Is there just some place far away, away from it all that I can run away from to get away from this mess. I've got myself in this situation where not only I compromised my faith, but all I believe in and my stands, my character is all being waivered. It has to stop. But I'm helpless. I feel as if God has turned His face away. But yet I know He wouldn't but somehow I can't believe it. Its funny I have all the answers and solutions but yet I refuse to act on it.

Do you believe the saying that You are what You are INSIDE? That is, if you are good inside you'll appear good outside and if your all rotten inside, you'll be vulgar outside? I totally disbelief that statement. Really, through the years I have somehow successfully hide the dark in me. And the effects are slowly surfacing, suffering from post-sin.

Hahaha.. Sorry for such a crazy post. One of John's mood swings. Its funny how human kind behave. Well, allow me some time to just soak in this and hopefully I might get out of it. I feel so weak and helpless right now in this. Oh where should I turn to?..... I turn my eyes to the hills and there my help comes from................

-jOhN-